Praise be to Allaah.
One of the greatest aims of marriage according to the laws of
Allaah is so that affection and compassion may prevail between the spouses.
This is the foundation on which married life should be built. Allaah, may He
be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you
wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has
put between you affection and mercy”
[al-Room 30:21]
al-Haafiz Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
Affection means love, and compassion means kindness. A man keeps a woman
either because he loves her or her because he feels compassion towards her
because he has children from her.
Our advice to you is not to ignore the affection and
compassion between spouses that Allaah has mentioned in this verse. Think
about the Mothers of the Believers, and the womenfolk of the Sahaabah (may
Allaah be pleased with them all), especially the role of Khadeejah (may
Allaah be pleased with her) with the Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him). Try to make your family happy and you will see the
effect of that in sha Allaah.
One of the greatest means of attaining happiness and
cheerfulness is what was narrated from one of the righteous: Kindness is
something easy: a cheerful face and a gentle word. So try to adopt this
kindness towards your husband – until it becomes ingrained in you – and you
will win his heart and make him be affectionate and compassionate towards
you.
But before all that, and above all that, our Lord says
(interpretation of the meaning):
“The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel
(the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allaah orders the faithful
believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat
them badly) then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will
become) as though he was a close friend.
35. But none is granted it (the above quality) except
those who are patient — and none is granted it except the owner of the great
portion (of happiness in the Hereafter, i.e., Paradise and of a high moral
character) in this world”
[Fussilat 41:34-35]
Shaykh Ibn Sa’di (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: i.e.,
Good deeds and acts of obedience that are done for the sake of Allaah cannot
be equal to bad deeds and sins that earn His wrath and do not please Him.
Kindness towards others cannot be equal to mistreatment of them. “Is
there any reward for good other than good?”[al-Rahmaan 55:60].
Then He enjoins a specific type of kindness which has a great
impact, which is kindness towards the one who treats you badly. He says: “Repel
(the evil) with one which is better” i.e., if someone mistreats you,
especially if he has great rights over you, such as relatives and friends
and the like, and he mistreats you in word or in deed, then respond by
treating him kindly. If he cuts off ties with you then uphold ties with him;
if he wrongs you, forgive him; if he speaks against you, in your absence or
in your presence, do not respond in kind, rather forgive him, and deal with
him by speaking kindly; if he shuns you and does not speak to you, then
speak nicely to him, and greet him with salaam. If you respond to
mistreatment with kind treatment, that will do a great deal of good.
“then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity,
(will become) as though he was a close friend” i.e., as if he is close
to you and a good friend.
“But none is granted it” i.e., this praiseworthy
quality is not given to anyone “except those who are patient” and put
up with what they dislike, and force themselves to do what Allaah loves, for
souls are created with a natural inclination to respond to bad treatment in
kind and not to forgive it, so how can they respond in a good manner?
If a person is patient and obeys the command of his Lord, and
understands the great reward, and knows that responding in kind to the one
who mistreats him will not achieve anything and will only make the enmity
worse, and that treating him kindly will not cause him any humiliation,
rather it will raise him in status, because the one who shows humility for
the sake of Allaah, Allaah will raise him in status thereby, then the matter
will become easy for him and he will do that with joy and pleasure.
“and none is granted it except the owner of the great
portion” because this is a characteristic of the elite people, by means
of which a person attains a high status in this world and in the Hereafter,
which is one of the greatest and noblest of characteristics. End quote.
Tafseer al-Sa’di (549-550)
If all of this applies to the rights of people in general,
then what about the rights of your wife? The Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If I were to order anyone to
prostrate to anyone else, I would have ordered women to prostrate to their
husbands, because of the rights that Allaah has given them over them.”
Narrated by Abu Dawood (2140) and al-Tirmidhi (1192); classed as saheeh by
al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah (1203).
We have started by speaking to you, because you are the one
who asked the question, and we think that you are more likely to listen and
respond to our advice. If that means giving up some of your rights and
forgiving the one who has wronged you, then there is nothing wrong with
that. Who can say that giving up some of one's rights or forgiving some
mistreatment is shameful or a shortcoming? Rather it is perfection.
Muslim narrated in his Saheeh (2588) from Abu Hurayrah
that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) said: “Charity does not decrease wealth. No one forgives, but Allaah
increases him in honour, and no one humbles himself before Allaah but Allaah
raises him in status.”
As for speaking to your husband or rebuking him, it is words
of sincere advice and a rebuke from those who love good for him and fear for
the bad consequences that he may face as a result of his actions; they want
to warn him against obeying Iblees and making him happy, and disobeying and
incurring the wrath of the Most Merciful, may He be exalted.
As for his obeying Ibleese, Muslim narrated in his Saheeh
(2813) that Jaabir (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of
Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Iblees places
his throne over the water, then he sends out his troops, and the one who is
closest in status to him is the one who causes the greatest amount of fitnah
(tribulation or temptation). One of them comes and says, I have done such
and such, and he says: You have not done anything. Then one of them comes
and says: I did not leave him until I separated him and his wife. Then he
draws him close to him and says: How good you are.” Al-A’mash said: I think
he said: “and he embraces him.”
As for his incurring the wrath of the Most Merciful and
disobeying Him, let him listen to what the Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) said: “Fear Allaah with regard to women, for you have
taken them as a trust from Allaah, and intimacy with them has become
permissible to you by the word of Allaah.” Narrated by Muslim (1218).
Is this how you take a trust from Allaah, O slave of
Allaah?!
Is this how you deal with the word of Allaah, O slave of
Allaah?!
Is this how you respond to the advice of the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), who said: “I urge you to treat
women well” (narrated by al-Bukhaari (3331) and Muslim (1468))?
And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
“The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of
you to my wives.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (3895) and Ibn Majaah (1977);
classed as aheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.
Or is this what living with them honourably means? Allaah
says (interpretation of the meaning): “and live with them honourably”
[al-Nisa’ 4:19].
Is this what taking care of them means? The Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Each of you is a shepherd
and each of you is responsible for his flock. The ruler of the people is a
shepherd and is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of his
household and is responsible for his flock. A woman is the shepherd of her
husband’s house and children and is responsible for her flock. The slave is
the shepherd of his master’s wealth and is responsible for it. Each of you
is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock.” Narrated by
al-Bukhaari (893) and Muslim (1829).
Have you not heard what the great Sahaabi, ‘Aa’idh ibn ‘Amr
(may Allaah be pleased with him) said when he entered upon ‘Ubayd-Allaah ibn
Ziyaad, the oppressive governor? The Sahaabi said to him: O my son, I heard
the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
say: “The worst of guardians are those who are cruel. Beware lest you be one
of them.” Narrated by Muslim (1830).
Are you not afraid that you may be one of them?
Have you never heard that everyone gets headaches sometimes.
We have never heard of anything stranger or weirder than
this.
Or perhaps you need some proof? Listen to this, O slave of
Allaah:
It was narrated that ‘Aa’ishah said: The Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came back from al-Baqee’
and I had a headache and was saying, Oh my head. He said, “Rather, I should
say, Oh my head, O ‘Aa’ishah.” Narrated by Ibn Majaah (1465); classed as
saheeh by al-Albaani in Takhreej al-Mishkaat (5970).
You should remember that when the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) died, ‘Aa’ishah was eighteen years old,
which means that when she complained of this headache she was younger than
eighteen, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
believed her and treated her with compassion. ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be
pleased with her) was asked: What did the Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) do in his house? She said: He used to serve his
family, then when the time for prayer came, he would go out to pray.
Narrated by al-Bukhaari (676).
This is evidence if you need it, but we do not think that you
need evidence. Rather you need to act. The way is ahead of you but you are
not moving.
We have spoken to you at length, but if a person does not
benefit from a little then he will not benefit from a lot.
You should think that you may be afflicted one day and you
will need this weak woman to support you and look after your affairs. Would
you like her to treat you as you are treating her?
Or would you like her to be better than you, and to believe
you, although you did not believe her, and to support you, although you let
her down, and to treat you kindly although you are treating her harshly, and
to be forbearing towards you although you are treating her ignorantly.
By Allaah, even the sweeter of the two is bitter.
Choose for yourself the path of kindness.
“Is there any reward for good other than good?”[al-Rahmaan
55:60].
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